US Elections–Late Night Jokes…

பொது வாழ்வில் வந்தவர்களுக்கு  சகிப்புத்தனமை அதிகமாக வேண்டும். சமீபத்தில் ஜயமோகன் MGRன் பேசும் முறைஐ அங்கதம் செய்து எழுத அதை விகடனார் இன்னும் ஊதி பெரிதாக்க …வலையில் சூடு….

 

இது போன்ற விஷய்ங்களில் அமெரிக்காவை தாரளமாக காப்பி அடிக்கலாம்.

LATE NIGHT ஜோக்குகள் இங்கு வெறு பிரபலம்.. சிலவற்றை உங்களுக்கு கீழே குடுத்து இருக்கேன்… யான் பெற்ற இன்பம் பெறுக இவ்வையகம் (விகடனின் முத்திரை இது!)

 

“This campaign is kind of fascinating, because the three major candidates have to be very careful when they criticize each other. Like, you can’t criticize Hillary. Ooh, that’s sexism. You can’t criticize Barack. Ooh, that’s racism. And you can’t go after McCain, because that’s elder abuse.” –Jay Leno

“Have you heard about this phenomenon that keeps happening at Barack Obama rallies? Apparently women have been fainting. They’re so taken by his speeches that they’re passing out. Well, today it happened at one of Hillary’s speeches, and luckily Bill ran into the crowd and gave her mouth to mouth.” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton locked horns for a debate that was broadcast on CNN. The tone was much more friendly than their last meeting. In fact, they even shared a room together afterwards. That would be great revenge on Bill for Monica Lewinsky — Barack and Hillary making sweet, hot, post-debate love. How furious would Oprah be?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Giuliani dropped out of the presidential race, but don’t worry about him. He’s already busy looking for wife number four.” –David Letterman

“It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy.” –Jay Leno

“John Edwards also dropped out of the race today. He said he wants to spend more time with his haircut.” –David Letterman

“You see Barack Obama at that rally surrounded by all those Kennedys? Man, I couldn’t tell if he was running for president or bartender.” –Jay Leno

“I don’t know if you heard this or not but Fred Thompson has dropped out of the presidential race. Don’t worry about Fred, he can always go back to his prestigious fake law firm. … Fred spent all day packing the bags under his eyes.” –David Letterman

“Florida is the big one for the Republicans. In fact, Florida is the first state where Rudy Giuliani is seriously campaigning. See, for Giuliani, primaries are kind of like marriages. The first two or three don’t really count.” –Jay Leno

“Congratulations to Mitt Romney, he was the big winner in the Michigan primary. His dad used to be governor there, which I think is an inspiration. It proves in America that you don’t have to be the wife of a former president to win, sometimes you can just be the son of a governor.” –Jay Leno

“I looks like the Democratic field really starting to get narrowed down. For Democrats, it’s going to be Barack Obama versus Hillary. So, it’s a black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life.” –Jay Leno

“I don’t get this. Hillary Clinton’s been bragging all year long that she’s been doing this for 35 years, but she just found her voice on Tuesday? There’s a medical term for this — ‘slow learner.'” –Bill Maher

“This is a ridiculous election. If I hear this word ‘change’ one more time, I’m going to change the channel. … Even Mitt Romney, who is running for president as Ward Cleaver, is for change. Every time he gets up there, he says, ‘I love change. Change is good. Who doesn’t like change? Whatever I just said, I’d like to change that.'” –Bill Maher

“Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. The big winner up there in New Hampshire. Congratulations to her, did a a nice job. Yeah, despite all the predictions by the pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that?” –Jay Leno

“And on the Republican side, congratulations to John McCain. Fascinating comeback story, this John McCain, quite a guy. Highly decorated veteran. Spent five and a half years in prison then went into politics. Usually it’s the other way around.” –Jay Leno

“Not such good news for John Edwards. He came in third. Third. Proving, yes, there are two Americas and neither one is voting for him.” –Jay Leno

“Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday, he accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It’s a fairy tale in which a horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens, and then a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him. So, you can see why he’s very upset.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Bill Clinton is giving a speech in New Hampshire. I guess it was yesterday. During the speech, he takes a cell phone call from his wife Hillary. And, you know, Bill, of course, keeps the cell phone on vibrate — I don’t even have to finish the joke, do I? — because when it hums in his pants, it reminds him of the ’90s” –David Letterman

“Did you folks see the debates in New Hampshire over the weekend? Oh my god, dull. … I mean, they were so dull that today, and it was official, I saw it in the paper, New Hampshire changed its state slogan from ‘Live Free or Die’ to ‘Please Shoot Me.'” –David Letterman

“Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich has a new platform — live long and prosper. Did you here about this? Dennis Kucinich admitted during the debates the other night that he had seen a UFO up close. See, Dennis Kucinich doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would see a UFO, he seems like the kind of guy you’d see coming out of a UFO.” –Jay Leno

“Last night during the Democratic presidential debate, Senator Barack Obama accused Hillary Clinton of frequently changing positions. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, ‘I wish.'” –Conan O’Brien

 

 

“The first Republican debate was held at the Reagan Presidential Library. The candidates tried to distance themselves from President Bush. Apparently, the first step in distancing yourself from President Bush is appearing at a library” –Conan O’Brien

“Chris Matthews was the host and asked the question, ‘Raise your hand if you do not believe in evolution.’ Three of these clowns raised their hands. Actually, four. But McCain just had to use the potty. … McCain said he not only believes in evolution, he remembers it.” –Bill Maher

“Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo — those were the three guys who said they do not believe in evolution. The irony will be on them when their campaigns die off in favor of stronger, fitter campaigns.” –Bill Maher “The candidates came prepared. Rudy Giuliani, of course, brought his energy; McCain brought his experience; Mitt Romney brought his charm; Mike Huckabee brought his name tag.” –Jay Leno, on the GOP debate

“My favorite part of the debate was when Chris Matthews asked, ‘Who does not believe in evolution?’ And Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo all raised their paw. … They said they do not believe in evolution. Then they said the biggest threat to America is religious radicals living in the Dark Ages. ” –Jay Leno

“At the Reagan Library last night, President Bush’s name was only mentioned once … in the entire debate. But to be fair, you often don’t hear Bush’s name mentioned in libraries.” –Jay Leno

“How many of you saw the Republican presidential debate? There are ten Republicans who want to be president of the United States. Did you see them? I mean, they looked like guys waiting to tee off at a restricted country club.” –David Letterman

“The Republican presidential debate was held tonight in California, and ten candidates took part. Political experts say that the ten Republican candidates represented all races, creeds, and colors of rich white men.” –Conan O’Brien

“When the Associated Press asked all the candidates what their dream job would be if they couldn’t be president, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson said his dream job would be center fielder for the New York Yankees. Joe Biden said he wanted to be an architect. And Dennis Kucinich said his dream is to grow up and one day become a real, live boy” –Jay Leno

“The first Democratic presidential debate was held earlier tonight. Big event. It featured Senator Hillary Clinton facing off against seven men. Or, as Bill Clinton calls it, the worst porn movie plot ever.” –Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton says if she is elected president, she will use Bill Clinton as an ambassador because ‘she can’t think of a better cheerleader for America.’ To which Bill Clinton said, ‘I can think of 20 and I have their phone numbers.'” –Conan O’Brien

“There was the first debate last night between the eight Democratic presidential candidates. Tonight your votes were tabulated and Dennis Kucinich, you are … going home. He has been voted off. If only it worked like that.” –Conan O’Brien

“Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe’s popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the nomination by the year 2032.” –Jay Leno

“John Edwards apologized for his $400 haircut. He said it was a mistake … especially in the back, where they didn’t feather enough.” –Jay Leno

“Earlier today, Senator John McCain moved to re-energize his presidential campaign with a speech to those for whom his politics are very personal — the last uniformed Americans not deployed in Iraq, the cadets at the Virginia Military Institute. … How committed is Senator McCain? [on screen: McCain saying, ‘I would rather lose a campaign than a war.’] … Luckily for Senator McCain, he might not have to choose.” –Jon Stewart

“Rudy Giuliani … now leads Senator McCain in the latest polls by 22 points. 22. Or, as Giuliani himself might phrase it, ‘Twice the number of points as the day of the month on which the World Trade Center was attacked while I was mayor. Did I mention I was mayor … when the world was attacked … on 9/11?'” –Jon Stewart

“Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should lay off his wife. Giuliani added, ‘I just mean this wife. It’s open season on the first two.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. … She raised $26 million. Which is kind of risky, you know. If she ends up with too much money, she may have to run as a Republican.” –Jay Leno

“The big story in the presidential campaign is how much money Hillary Clinton has raised. It’s a record. She raised $26 million in the first quarter, and then shifted $10 million she had leftover from her Senate race for a total of $36 million. Hillary Clinton has so much money … John Kerry is now hitting on her.” –Jay Leno

“A big issue this year is how many of these presidential candidates are guys that have been divorced — some of them two or three times. Do you think that hurts the candidate? See, I think it gives them valuable experience. They know how to negotiate with the enemy.” –Jay Leno

“Republican candidates are announcing their first quarter fundraising totals so far. Mitt Romney announced he’s raised $23 million, Rudy Giuliani said he’s raised $15 million, and Congressman Tom Tancredo announced he’s raised two children.” –Conan O’Brien

“Although Hillary Clinton set the mark by raising $26 million for her presidential campaign in the first quarter of 2007, Mitt Romney, the Republican, was right behind her with $23 million. That’s something Hillary hasn’t felt in 20 years — a man breathing down her neck.” –Jay Leno

“We’re now finding out where all the candidates met their spouses. Barack Obama met his wife at a law firm. John McCain met his wife at a Naval officers’ dance. And Rudy Giuliani met his third wife when he was cheating on his first wife with his second wife.” –Jay Leno

 

http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/election2008/a/electionjokes.htm

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